玉兰

（来自人大王澌濛）超搞笑的英语糗事，很早以前在王澌濛同学的博客上看的，当时差点笑翻了……
1.有次房东问我 Did you eat anything yet? 我说No.
她听后重复了一遍 So you didn't eat anything. 我说 yes...
房东老太太犹豫了下,又问Did you eat ？ 我说 No.
她接着说 So you didn't eat. 我说 Yes ......
估计她当时要崩溃了.
2.读语言学校的时候，1哥们很爱讲，和esl老师聊天，练习英语， 口沫横飞了半天，那老师很生气的说 Don’t speak Chinese to me.
3.我刚来的时候邻居小孩看见我跟我说What's up. 我疑惑的朝天上看了半天然后说了句up？那孩子顿时无语。
4.老黑跟我说的是sup.......我没听懂....我也回, 瑟~~~
5.刚来的时候看到很多大厦门口都有 smoke free..... 我由衷的感叹..加拿大就是好,抽烟都免费。
...朋友那个汗......
6.第一次打电话叫TAXI......
  对方问Where are you from.....我回答CHINA,还在奇怪叫taxi还分国籍~?对方可能以为我在搞笑,很郁闷的说 sorry, we can not do that.....我一听...火大...怎么有种族歧视啊..就问: why~?对方楞了半天,挂了.....
7.说一个听来的笑话
刚到US的朋友,到了纽约,想去看自由女神,但是不知道路.于是乎在路边抓了一个白老
--Hi, do you know where is the free woman?
白老愣了半天,支支吾吾
--I... don't know...Tell me when you know it.
8.写信 From / To写反了，邮了两天回到自己家...................
9.我朋友刚来的时候不认识什么人, 所以在班上试图交朋友, 一日, 觉得一白人哥们人挺好, 于是想要人家电话号码,日后做朋友,于是问:How many is your phone number?
白人说:Ten. (加拿大号码是十位的)
10.刚来的时候，去BURGER KING去吃饭，点完汉堡，人家问我要酱不，我说要，人家问，哪种？我忘了番茄酱咋说了，想了半天，想出了个jam，人家还听不懂，最后我一赌气说，it’s up to you.
11.在homestay住, 然后想洗澡 跟房东说了后 房东说 go ahead 我当时寻思 去个头 的意思是能去 还是不能去啊…
hahahah!!!!!!
12.有次买车票,工作人员问我 one way?  我回答：No, two way....他又问了我几遍  我的答案还是一样的。。。结果那人很郁闷的看着我~~~后来才反应过来自己还在中文的思维中~~~我把他的意思解释为One way=一位？ 我们是两个人，所以two way=两位
13.刚来的时候  经常说you too....结果我生日那天 我的homestay mom 买了个生日蛋糕给我，还跟我说happy birthday...结果我很快的就来了句 you too...
14.有个朋友来加拿大第一次去吃牛排，服务员问How would you like your steak done? 我朋友没听懂，就听别人点的时候说medium , 他就想“我不能跟他们学”。
他就跟服务员说，large please.
服务员一愣，说sorry we don't have that. 然后他又说，small please.
服务员又吓了一跳，说sorry we don't have that.
他身边的朋友着急了，告诉他，人家问你牛排要几分熟。他随口就说，80% 。服务员又一愣说，sorry we don't have that............
15.刚来没多久，BMO打电话给我介绍很多关于银行服务得东西，我一直答:"ok,ok,ok"，然后她一直说一直说，说了大概10-15分钟，似乎讲完的意思，我完全听不懂，说了一句" sorry, i don't understand." 最后换她说了一句，"ok"  然后就挂线了!
16.貌似e-mail也很多人出过笑话，有此我上课时，我们老师要给我们发邮件，就让我们一个一个说下邮件地址，轮到我，我直接顺口就说 XXXX圈儿msn点儿com，然后周围几个中国同学暴汗~~~~~
17.过关的时候，因为带两个不同颜色的隐形眼镜，海关人员问我怎么回事，当时不会说隐形眼镜，就直接取下来给他看，
周围的人都看着特郁闷
18.同样发生在麦当劳.
我的某人初来报道.跑到M记买面包.之前表现很是不错,一直维持到服务员问here or to go?.第一次接触外带餐这词, 还好思维敏捷马上明白过来了, 可是嘴上紧张, 对着那男服务员直接喊出"Let's go!"...... 服务员石化1秒后,说了句 K.
19.我一朋友，中午去吃汉堡，厨子问他要加什么，他说：tomato, cheese, and washroom (mushroom) . 当时所有人流汗到地 -_-
20.我朋友刚来，坐公车。有个传教士类的人特友好的跟他打招呼，说How is it going. 他说go to school~~~~~那个人一下就不回了。。。
21.来的第二年了，我去商店买鞋，然后拿着就去问营业员：Is this made of beef or pork (俺的意思就是猪皮还是牛皮的），那个营业员的表情到现在都记得。
22.刚来，去SENECA 体育馆打羽毛球，不会说羽毛球， 连手势带比划，看门小姐还是不懂。 急了！！！
大声的说： I want a ball can fly, like a bird.  please!
看门小姐一脸迷茫的跟我说了一堆。我还是没懂。同去的朋友告诉我说：她不负责抓鸟。
23.刚来的时候地理老师叫 Mr. Saker
我叫成了Mr. Sucker
后来地理查点没pass  
24.刚来英国的时候跟一个女生去银行开户，一个银行职员很亲切地走上前来，还没开口说话，就听那女生说“May I help you?”职员当时就石化，我就在后面拉她衣服，她侧头跟我说，别捣乱别捣乱。然后又对人家说了一次“May I help you?”
25.某某老公刚来的时候英语很不好，坐天车的时候不小心踩了一个白人女的的脚，结果他想躲开的时候不小心又踩了那女的另一只脚…… 然后那女的就瞪着他，他想说“IM SRY”结果一着急就特别大声的说成了“IT‘S OK！”然后那女的就也特别大声的回他一句：“IT’S NOT OK！！”全车人都疯了……
26.一个朋友, 才来英国不都是要去警察局注册嘛，我那个朋友当时英文不是一般的差，他连警察局怎么说都不知道。但是他还是很有勇气，一个人打算去警察局注册。走在路上，他随便抓了一个老爷爷，想问说警察局在哪里。但是他发音不标准，把police说成please，那个老爷爷挣扎了半天，听不懂～于是他着急了：“please啊，wear hat, use gun！”一边说一边还比划动作。终于那个老爷爷听懂了，然后回答他：”You want to find police? They are everywhere!" 他更着急了，于是大声说 “no no no, I want a group of please, they stand together...."那个老爷爷这次真的听懂了，原来他是要找police station！于是老爷爷把他带去了，还对police说这个从中国来的小伙子英文不好，他需要帮助.
27.说个我朋友的，他叫李硕，刚来英国第2天有个老外问他说：Are you sure?
他想都没想还笑嘻嘻的跟人说：yes, I am shuo lee！
28.在网上看到一个人说他同学刚出国闹的笑话，问他最近干什么，他说去看电影，然后问他有什么好电影，他说过两天有一部电影叫“COMING SOON”。
29.当时来英国不久,逛街的时候路上总有很多人发传单,所以就习惯性的会说:NO,THANKS. 结果有次人家给的是新年宣传纸,然后还跟我说:HAPPY NEW YEAR. 然后我很快回答:NO, THANKS.
30, 上英語課,跟同學做interview....
我問她喜歡做什麽..她說...hanging out in the cafeteria with friends...
我當時就奇怪...為什麽她喜歡吊在餐廳呢?
然後我去問那個助教...
我還做了嗰吊死的動作....
她看到後...笑到瘋了....
我卻很無奈....hanging out...

宋颖

看到yes 和no 就笑翻了，
很快就看到up，乐死了，
看到ten个电话号位数就不能再看下去了。
很有爱。
哈哈

有些段子是有才人编出来的吧，
真正出去的这些基础词汇在四六级就扫盲了。
可怜那些陪绑的人。

[ 本帖最后由 宋颖 于 2010-9-7 13:52 编辑 ]

英古阿格

学着点，不然也要编进去了

玉兰

英语最精彩的一句话笑话，翻译过来恐怕就会打折扣了 嘿嘿
1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
5、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9、Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

宋颖

4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

玉兰美眉，这是个笑话吗，我怎么觉得这么伤感。

5、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

这句相当残酷，文学上很多震撼人的作品都源于此。

玉兰003

宋颖师姐很犀利 呵呵 的确都有些伤感和残酷，可能是因为很轻松地指了出来，所以觉得好笑？

玉兰003

11、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
12、Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
13、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
14、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
15、Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16、My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
17、A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
18、Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, which you really wish they were.
19、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
20、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

宋颖

14、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

有个朋友说，他老板告诉他，God造人的时候，聪明能干的是为了让他吃苦受累，愚钝蠢笨的是为了让他清闲享福。我朋友问，那这世间还有公平吗？他老板说，我们pretend to pursue，继续pretend。
颠覆我们世界观。

英古阿格

不耻下问的同时也不耻被笑呵

英古阿格

可能后者更需要勇气与智慧。

玉兰

21、Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
22、Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.  
23、If the world is getting smaller, how come they keep raising the postal rates?
24、To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
25、A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
26、We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
27、Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
28、A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
29、Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
30、If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

沙野